She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
