Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
