I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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