I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
