she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
