you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
