Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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