You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
last night I used snow as a chaser
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
