Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
