i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
