She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
