He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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