When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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