Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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