i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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