yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I skipped work to stalk him.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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