this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
