I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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