I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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