My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
