sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He passed out mid-signature
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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