I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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