We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
