last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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