Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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