So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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