Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
where am i from again
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
