Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
