I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
