I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
