So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
