my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just cropdusted the office
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Randomize
