Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
