I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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