For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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