Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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