i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
