I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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