closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
