He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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