In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
