i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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