I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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