This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
