just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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