As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
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I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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