I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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