I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Fuck appropriateness.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
