plz talk dirty to me
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
