I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
