mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
