I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
