You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
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Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
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Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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