You're so nebulous sometimes
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
