turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
