my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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